Is this a filial disobedience?

Question

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

I cannot stand my mother any longer because I want to marry but she does not want that for some reasons which are not quite good.

I am a student and my financial conditions are not good, but thanks to Allah I can afford a family and rent a house. I shall list the following reasons of her refusal to refute:

1- My age is not appropriate:

She says: The proper age for marriage is after graduation.

2- Housing: What happened in the past about housing tells that my mother will not accept to dwell with her in the same house not for a good reason. She says: She does not want others to share her house; however she is not convinced with that but she refuses for refusal only.

3- She says that I have little money, but actually I have enough money for marriage, thanks to Allah, and she wants to take sum of that money every month.

I am searching for a righteous wife which means that all the money I own shall be spent in marriage. She kept saying to me: The one who is more entitled of your care is your mother, your mother, then your mother. I am in dire need for chastity.

4- She knows what is wrong but she insists on it. She does not want to hear, understand, or even talk to me, why she refuses to speak to me and gets angry when I say to her: I want to marry? To avoid talking to me, she says: There are some people in the tribe have married without the knowledge of their parents, so do it if you can.

All these acts make me think to leave her alone and do not meet her needs until she understands that there is something wrong.

My important question is: Is this a kind of filial disobedience? I seek refuge in Allah against impiousness, and I ask Allah to guide us all. Peace be upon him.

Answer

All praise be to Allah and peace be upon the Messenger of Allah, upon his family, his Companions, and those who follow him.

Many mothers feel upset about the marriage of their sons and the cause for that is their severe love to their children and their jealousy or the fear to lose their sons neglecting them or the son's occupancy with the wife as it is the case in some societies.

I shall put for you some steps to solve the problem and you can add to it what is suitable for you:

First, exert efforts to persuade her of marriage, do not despair, and use all good styles and wise methods to explain to her your dire need to marriage in light of the seditions which encircle us.

Second, be keen to have an open dialogue with her and know the real reasons for her refusal, then try to send messages of reassurance and explain to her that you are keen to gain her approval because that will achieve your stability in the future, and make the relationship between you and her more familiar.

Third, persuasion: You may begin with persuading her such as to say: Do not you want me to complete the half of my religion as the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said: "When a person marries, he has complete the half of his religion, so let him fear Allah in the other half?" Ask her: What would be her feeling if her family prevented her of marrying his father? Do not you want to see your grand-children? Do not you want me to protect myself with marriage? The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said: "O young people! Whoever among you is able to marry, should marry, and whoever is not able to marry, is recommended to fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power." [Reported by Al Bukhari and Muslim].

Thus, you provide several questions and inducements, which address her feelings and emotions, making the barriers between you and her collapse and achieve clarity, transparency, and understanding.

Fourth, make her feel your determination to marriage and you wish that she would choose for you rather than getting someone she does not like.

Fifth, explain to her that her refusal because of your young age is wrong and traces back to her lack of awareness of young people's suffering in a time where seditions and temptations spread, and that families' stubbornness may lead to the deviation of children from the straight path.

If you see that your mother responses, praise Allah (Glory be to Him) and look for a religious wife of good manners, however if you see reluctance and rejection, go and search for a righteous girl and tell your mother in a polite way that this is the way of Allah on earth.

This will not be a filial ingratitude because obedience is only in the things which please Allah as was reported in Sahih Al Bukhari and Sahih Muslim. Marriage does not entail the approval of the mother.

As for the Prophet's saying: "Your mother, then your mother, then your mother," it is exhortation to treat her kindly and ask for her obedience in every act that does not contain an act of disobedience.

Be careful to treat her well until her fears are gone.